Hello Stranger.

"I am not sure why I stopped writing. Writing helped me look back at how God works in my life.  A lot has happened since my last post. God has moved in ways that our human mind cannot understand. I tend to see the negative in life more than the positive in life, that's my one big downfall; and because of my small group leader I learned it's because of my temperment. Now with God's help I can make the most of my downfall. The best thing in this valley is that it has increased my faith."


I wrote the above back in 2010 and wow have my views changed. I no longer have faith or trust in my faith. I don't see God's work in my life. I am the same angry, unhappy, and grumpy person I have always been. I keep reading about "God's will" an "God's timing" and I'm not sure what that means. There are so many people just like me and with little hope in sight for anything to change, I don't get it. I don't get all the biblical things I was taught since the day I was born, I don't get why so many people suffer if God created us for fellowship with Him. I don't get the evil that goes on in His creation, I don't get it. Was I blind before? Was I brainwashed? What's right or wrong? My mind can not understand.


I know I sound like I'm rambling, maybe I am. I am so confused about where I should be in life. I am confused about my walk in God and in my own life. Above I wrote about my temperament being the reason I am who I am but is that just an excuse. I can't make the most of my downfall because I don't see the light at the end of tunnel.


Marisol

Is it just me?

I don't know how I lost my faith. I wonder if God allowed it to happen to me or if I did because of the situations that have happened in my life. The minute the church turned it's back on me, I saw people for who they really are, human. I saw no "Christ's Love". There was no compassion. I saw the hypocrisy in all of us. Then from there I started to question everything I had been taught for the last 45 years. I have always been a rebel but when it came to God, I was loyal now not so much.

Today

I have "strayed" from the church and from God. I am not sure if strayed is the correct word. My views are not the same as they were five years ago. At times I miss the fellowship but I don't miss the hypocrisy and that includes me. I miss the worship and the prayer then I think worship and prayer wasn't for God it was for us and that's why I miss it.

Today I was surfing the web and I came across a church I used to attend and as I looked at their web page I wanted to be part of it. I wanted to go back. It was a selfish feeling because I wanted to go back for my sake and for God's sake and that is the one of the reasons I left the church. I feel that going to church is for our sake. It makes us feel good but not many people take that feeling outside those four walls.

Today for a little while I felt like God whispered in my ear and that was good.

Marisol